This is a love story about a pair of sunglasses.
I will be up front with you guys. I am writing this blog post in the hopes of earning a pair of sunglasses. There is ulterior motive in my writing tonight. But like much ulterior motive, there is also deep sincerity behind it. I am writing this blog post endorsing a pair of sunglasses that I dearly, dearly miss and fervently wish back into my life.
It all started a year and a half ago with a photo shoot. It started with a tweet that was in response to Rush Limbaugh’s shaming of law student Sandra Fluke for advocating health insurance’s supplying of birth control, where he called her a slut. A lot of tweeters came out in defense of sluts, and one, @wise_kaplan, tweeted, “No sluts, no chocolate cake in the bath.” Adult film star Stoya and I both retweeted this sentiment, and then we started talking with photographer Steve Prue about recreating the tweet with a photo of us feeding each other chocolate cake in a bathtub. We scheduled the shoot together, but rather than shoot in a bathtub, we chose to shoot in Steve’s studio, so the chocolate cake in the bath photo actually never happened. (Stoya, Steve, I am still down if you are. We can still make that happen.)
Instead we showed up to Steve’s gorgeous Brooklyn photo studio and met a sunglasses designer, Clara Herrera. She was there with her collection, Lumete, and offered us each a complimentary pair of sunglasses if we would model them for her. Stoya and I, being two down-ass bitches, said sure why not.
It wasn’t until nearly six months later that I actually contacted Clara and took her up on her offer. I’m not a pricey sunglasses kind of gal; I lose sunglasses in cabs and dressing rooms and apartments far too often, so pretty much I stick to the $10 Lolita glasses from St. Mark’s Place. But all of a sudden I needed an epic pair of shades.
I was attending the Toronto International Film Festival for a meeting with a potential investor. He was a wealthy banker I’d met in a club during one of his trips to New York. I had visited him at a party in Toronto a month prior to the festival and given him a copy of my screenplay in the hopes that he’d take an interest in it, and he’d offered to put up me and a girl friend in one of his vacant houses during the festival so we could go see films, network, party, and ultimately meet with him to talk about my script. I was also fairly certain I was going to run into a man I had a severe and devastating crush on, as I knew he’d be there. So the pressure was on. I know I look cool on the outside and all, but I was intimidated about going to a film fest and being among all the rich and skinny and beautiful actresses and famous people there, meeting both with one person I wanted to invest in my screenplay and another person I wanted to fuck, and frankly, I felt a pair of really pricey sunglasses would give my self-esteem that extra boost it clearly required.
I contacted Clara and she was ready with her offer of Lumetes in exchange for the modeling I had done. I chose the Oummaas in Cosmos Black:
They had a wide, movie-star-like lens, and engraved swirls with tiny Swarovski crystals on the side. For my purposes, they were perfect.
My first lunch with my potential investor (where he was also meeting with like, a realtor from the Middle East, or some other kind of business I didn’t quite understand but was clearly important/profitable?), I wore them while eating oysters and sipping a cocktail with a shameful watermelon garnish. We sat outside at a fancy restaurant in the Yorkshire district and I felt very fabulous.
I wore them pretty much during the entire trip, actually. Here’s me wearing them at a casual brunch with a Toronto friend and my girl friend who came with me on the trip for moral support:
The festival was wildly successful for me. At the end of the week I met with my investor again and he said he would “back me in a heartbeat” (hence my upcoming LA move, to try and make that real), and while I only got to talk to my crush for about thirty seconds, I guess I built enough attraction with him that I sealed the deal later that month. Look, I’m not saying that a pair of sunglasses was the reason for my closing a business deal and later getting laid, but everyone has their magic feather, okay? And for me, a pair of Swarovski Louboutins, a curve-hugging Dolce & Gabbana dress, and my Lumete Oummaas did the trick.
Throughout the following year, my Lumetes were there for me, and before too long I had cast off my Lolita glasses and was wearing them almost every day:
And then sometime in September, heartbreakingly and ironically almost exactly a year since I first wore them to TIFF, I woke up one day and they were gone. I actually missed an entire parkour class because instead of leaving my house to make it in time I tore my entire place apart for my lost sunglasses. You guys, I was devastated. I have never been so upset about losing a pair of sunglasses in my life.
So I contacted Clara once more, and asked her if she might give me a pair of replacement Oummaas as a barter once more, this time in exchange for my writing a blog post about the story of my love affair with my favorite sunglasses. Normally if I want something expensive like that I’ll just buy it, but I am saving for my LA move to try to make my movie dream come true, and also my cat Wesley decided to stop eating last week, which cost me nearly $500 in vet bills. (His bloodwork turned out normal, so apparently he’s just having issues. Maybe I hashtagged Instagram photos of him with #fatcat one too many times and he took it personally and joined the pro-ana community. Internet bullying is a real thing.) So I am not exactly in a position to be splurging on expensive sunglasses again, no matter how awesome they are.
So, help me out here, okay? Comment on this post, share it, send it to any friends who need a good self-esteem boost from something like a pair of awesome sunglasses, follow the link and buy a pair for yourself and watch how your life changes. I am 100% a convert and I am pretty sure I can never wear St. Mark’s sunglasses ever again.
Here are a few more of my favorite styles: